I'd like to think that before December 19th, I was always a glass half full kind of person. Life had given me a couple of knocks but in the main things were pretty good, with the love of a wonderful family. Much of this still remains the case, if anything I have gained stronger bonds with some of my friends and made some wonderful new friends but no matter how much my glass keeps being filled, I can't help having days when it looks completely empty.
Today is one of those days, the grief of a parent is impossible to describe but what is even harder to explain is why I suddenly get these overwhelming moments of grief, where tears fill my eyes and my mind empties of everything that it should be concentrating on and thinks solely of what Michelle, Finlay and I have lost; regardless of everything that we have, will have and want to have in the future.
Since watching the Dispatches investigation on Monday with Amanda Holden, I've felt the dark clouds floating above me. Seeing pictures of those new born babies lifeless yet dressed to be kissed and cuddled like all babies should be, is totally soul destroying, the pictures are hard to see as a 'normal' parent but as a parent that has experienced stillbirth, it rolls everything back.
I remember holding Emily so gently when she was first handed over to us, her cute features and the peaceful look in her face, her cheeks were so beautiful and soft, I also remember the heartbreaking moment when she turned from being my lost little girl into my beautiful china doll, as her body got colder and her cheeks lost their softness. I've always got warm hands, I can't tell you how many times i held them against her face and hands hoping that i could pass on some warmth or even dare I admit it...life!
What doesn't kill does make you stronger and I know that my family are a stronger unit as a result of what we have gone through but we've certainly took a battering that is going to take a long time to come to terms with.
Before Emily, I enjoyed being the one that supported charities, good causes and generally trying to do the right thing (not always with the best results!), so sitting on the other side of the fence, asking for help, looking for support and generally hoping that people believe in what we are trying to do for others is bloody hard!
Before Emily, I'd be the first to the bar in celebration of good news for any of my friends and family, yet now I feel I'm first to the bar by someway of an apology for bringing a downside to any good news that comes their way. People saying sorry for good things happening in their life is a common theme for us at the moment and it is so appreciated that people care enough to do that but really I just want the old days back where we would have a couple of crafty one's to celebrate, whether its a new job, new baby or even new car!!
The weather here in Nottingham has flitted between bright sunshine and dark clouds, exactly matching the swing in my mood today, lets hope it's not snow tomorrow...