The morning started wonderfully, if I had written a script it couldn't have been better, Finlay woke up and ran into the bedroom, kissed me and told me he loved me. He then proceeded to present me with an array of personal gifts including a masterful piece of lego that he had built for me!
Emily of course glanced through my mind, as she does most mornings when I wake up but nothing that suggested, I was going to get the strong emotional pull that I would get later in the day. I, like many Dads in England, took the opportunity of staying up to watch the England match, so was feeling a little tired this morning, so when the opportunity arose, I took an afternoon nap!!
When I woke up, Michelle and Finlay had popped over to Michelle's parents, leaving me with the unfortunate company of my own thoughts for a short while. The look of one solitary Fathers' Day card on the side, seemed to send me such a strong message, for the last 5 years I have only had one card and never thought anything of it, but this year it looked so lonely, so out of place it almost looked vulnerable standing their alone.
Thoughts of Emily came flooding back, all the scenarios that I have written about before all filled my mind, the pain in my chest that I can only describe as heartache returned and the need to be near her became too strong.
i took myself down to the graveside to have a little chat with her, telling her about my day, the wonderful gifts from her brother and about the beautiful headstone we've chosen. Whilst I was there, there were lots of people coming to the cemetery to see their fathers but it felt like it was just me in the place, that was until another Father came alongside me to stand with his child.
Like the true Brits that we are, we never said a word to each other, we didn't even exchange a nod of understanding. He was clearing away grass from the grave, in an almost frantic fashion, whilst I stood and silently talked to Em. We then briefly assumed the same position at the graveside until I left to go back to the car.
I don't even know what the point of this blog is as I write it, but i feel that if i don't write something today, my head is going to explode with emotion. The gifts i received this morning were wonderful but really all i wanted was to have both my kids in bed with me whilst I opened their cards ready for Michelle to take a picture of me and the pair of them smiling. In situations like this you try and focus on the positives and focus on what you have rather than what you haven't, but sometimes it is almost impossible.
Just like the Father that stood next to me at the grave, sometimes you have to face the reality of what you don't have as a Dad, accept that you feel robbed of the most precious gift, feel sad at what you haven't got and what you'll never experience and then get back in the car and put the 'I'm coping' face back on for the rest of the world to see.
Emily may have been stillborn but I am still alive and very much have the feelings for her as a Father should and most days that is controlled to the point that I hardly notice, yet fighting those feelings on days like these is a very difficult, in fact I'd say there is no point in fighting them!