So why have I felt the need to blog? Simply because good days still feel so terribly wrong when you have a baby daughter resting in a cemetery rather than in the car seat or our arms. Life is a constant papering over the cracks and tomorrow is going to require a hell of a roll of paper...how do you celebrate Mother's Day without it either looking like you're trying to be strong and carrying on the celebrations regardless of our loss or indeed, look like we are grieving all over again at the expense of our little boy enjoying looking after Mummy...I'm sure it will all come good and that we'll get the balance right, but on the big occasions you can't help but get the wobbles!!
The last blog I wrote was read by more people than any other and I received some lovely comments both here on the website and privately via email. Whilst the comments are always appreciated, I try and write the thoughts in my head on here, so that people who have experienced the same terrible loss can either read this and take comfort that they are not alone or indeed contact me and tell me I'm not losing my marbles and that what I am going through is normal!
Tomorrow there will be no first Mother's Day pictures with Fin and Emily, no personalised gifts with our two gorgeous kids smiling for their Mummy. Finlay will bring smiles to his Mum's face as he does every day, he love her with all his heart and she will love him right back, but there will be a point tomorrow when we will stand by Emily's grave and just wonder what would have been, tears will flow as they do most days but tomorrow they will sting that little bit more.
Michelle isn't a blogger or big into the facebook page but what she is, is a great Mother both to Finlay and to the memory of Emily. She is an inspiration to me personally and if Finlay just takes half of her courage and strength of character he will be a fine young man. Everyone's Mum should win Mother of the Year but this year I think the winner goes to my wonderful wife.
Finlay will wish Michelle 'Happy Mother's Day' first thing in the morning, at which we will take a deep breath and hope that it is...
As it is Mother's Day tomorrow, I want to take this unique opportunity of telling my Mum in front of approx 4500 readers how much I love her and how I appreciate everything she has done for me. I know she worries daily about me and even more so since Dec. I'm fine, it's going to take time and I still struggle to talk about things but I will get there, this journey is the toughest of my life but with you in the car with me, I know I'll get there and we'll enjoy the destination. xx