In the early days when we lost Emily, Finlay became super loving, the first words he said to Michelle when he walked into the labour suite was 'I love you Mummy' as if he had watched emotional films and sort of knew that was what you did at such times. When we held a candle lighting service for Emily, he requested that he sang twinkle twinkle little star for his baby sister and when we launched Forever Stars, he was the one that wanted to appear on videos promoting the charity.
Yet, in the last few months, we have seen a change in Fin, when at one time he would be told off and then try and take comfort from either Michelle or I, now he just gets incredibly angry. Finlay is 5, no child should be dealing with such loss, at 5 the innocence is still so real that you want to preserve it for as long as possible but equally it is key time where his development should make him aware and understand the right way and wrong way to behave and express himself.
We have had more than one sleepless night with him being upset as to why his sister didn't make it home, both Michelle and I have been blamed on more than one occasion and he still keeps asking for an explanation; short of explaining the in's and out's of Stalmach disease, I think we're on a loser with that!
Today and tonight has been incredibly difficult, Fin's behaviour has in the main be good whilst we've attended two lovely parties but like all lads, he got over excited and whizzing around on party food, to the point that we cut short his social activities, the knock on effect of this has been 4 hours of Finlay going on an angry frenzy wanting to break things and even wanting a new set of parents!! This isn't the way our little boy used to handle things, after a long stand off, we finally got to sit down and talk to him, after many tears and hugs he finally told us that he is still feeling very sad because of losing Emily and other close relatives in recent months, his heartfelt statement and tears rolling down his cheeks would break even the hardest of people.
We're on a pathway to support Finlay and we've all agreed to give sadness a little air time when it is required, but to use a well worn phrase we're going to try and use 'love not hate' rather than shouting about how angry 'we' are, we're going to try and hug it out a little more (still leaving room for the occasional slammed door or foot stomping! - he is too much like his parents to have a complete stop!)
I won't lie, it's been a really tough week this week emotionally, people we have never met before talking to us about the most tragic part of our lives is something we're still getting used too, don't get me wrong it is nice of people to care and if it helps us achieve our goal then it is worth it but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.
I started this blog by saying Finlay was our world before Emily came along, he still is; in fact he is more precious than anything. Finlay gives me so much to live for, I often look at his beautiful eyes and remember the moment I first saw them when he was born and just sitting there thinking 'how on earth did I help create someone so beautiful, thankfully he has a lot of his Mum's looks!
This story will end positively, Fin will be the guy that I know he can be, Michelle and I will be go on to have another beautiful baby so we can proudly have a family with 3 kids and Forever Stars will achieve its goal and much more. Sadly,however, there isn't a fast forward for this story or a cushion to hide behind when it becomes difficult to watch, so lets keep on rolling and look forward to the happy ending...